Hard Things but Ok Things
There has been a few hard things I didn't really feel up to posting about recently. These are just small bumps that will pass and I know I will be able to look these in the past very soon.
I'll start with my hair.
You know, when I was diagnosed it was so not one of my concerns. I knew that people lost their hair because of chemo, and I wasn't too worried. I was excited to change up my hair with this opportunity and donate it to children with cancer. I really hope those 8.5" made someone as happy as my hair always made me.
On Sunday, April 2nd at about 8:30, I finally got the courage to shave it. At this point my hair was coming out every minute. Anywhere from a few strands to many many chunks. It became very annoying- I had hair everywhere and I just couldn't stand it. The nurses here have clippers, and my nurse at the time, Sam said that she would do it. She had used clippers before and I shouldn't be worried about that.
The whole thing was very emotional. Again, I knew my hair would come back and I knew this was so not the end of the world. But for so long I have had such long hair that I have loved and grown and always planned to get married with very long beautiful hair. There were just so many thoughts that made this hard. After she was finished, I asked my family to not let me look into the mirror until I was alone. I was going to take a shower and just take some time to myself.
That time was so important. I took my time and actually got used to myself a little. It still wasn't my ideal look but hey, everyone said my head wasn't weirdly shaped so thats a plus. I still struggle not having hair almost every day as I show new people and they see me like this. All I can think is that they're thinking about how sick I am. But the losing of my hair doesn't necessarily mean that I am very sick. It means I am getting better and that is how I try to see it.
Round 2 of Chemo
This round was a bit harder. I still think I handled chemo pretty well again. Not many issues at this moment still. Just little things that make you very uncomfortable throughout your time here. This chemo has made me just feel very blah. It could be something to do with my blood counts dropping as they are supposed to be doing to kill all of the leukemia cells in my body. This has an effect on you and makes you feel weak and tired.
I was welcomed into this treatment with acid reflux. I have a terrible fear of throwing up so any sort of discomfort in my stomach or throat really makes me nervous. So I have had a little bit of a hard time with this. The doctors are great and always have something to counter-act the scary side effects I may get. More good news: I finished the "last" bag of chemo yesterday night! This will be the last bag for a while, but not forever. We removed the bag as soon as it was done because I just couldn't stand looking at it anymore! I think with a little mind over matter, that has already made me feel better.
Food
I have been having a very hard time with food. With this last round of chemo, it has really affected my mouth and how things taste. It has also affected my appetite. I dread meal times right now. Food just doesn't taste good, and I just don't want any of it at all. I really need to force myself to eat something so that the Nutritionist does not come after me. She has threatened to give me a feeding tube if I do not eat properly. Now, eating is so not hard for me. I love eating. I just don't want anything. So this is a very big struggle for me right now, but I am hoping now that the round 2 of chemo is finished that I will be able to gain back my appetite, and my taste rather quickly. Now, even the ladies who bring up the food know that I don't have much appetite. I always kind of feel bad when I hand them back a tray with a good amount of food on it. I am able to receive certain cooked outside foods which my parents and I are going to try and do more of. Hospital food really isn't that good, and I don't think that is helping.
Now on to the worst...
I want to go home
I want to go home more than anything. These few extra weeks are giving me a hard time because it is very hard to see an end in sight. At this point (if it wasn't for chemo round two), I would have a little over a week left in here. At this moment I have a little closer to three weeks left. I can almost hardly imagine being here for so long. This is what I find myself being the most upset about and saying to myself the most. I think it almost puts me in a sort of depression. I get very upset, and I lay around on my phone and watch people have a good time in the outside world. I watch the nurses go home in the morning and at night and think about how they get to go outside and have hug their boyfriends and pet their animals. This makes me upset and I just don't feel like doing much. I do some homework, i watch some TV, and I try to take a walk around the floor. But I get really happy when I get to go outside. They unhook me from my fluids and antibiotics and i get in a wheel chair and a friend or family can take me outside. The weather has been pretty nice and I wouldn't even care if it rained on me. I could just sit there. I can't wait until I can leave here and go outside without a mask and just enjoy the breeze.
Now I know this has been sad-ish
but I know it will be getting better really soon
I am so happy in many other ways. I have so many wonderful people who have reached out to me and who have sent me amazing and thoughtful gifts to just make me feel so wonderful. I would never know that I had so much support and power behind me if it wasn't for this disease and for that I am thankful.
Today I was able to go downstairs and do a walk with the 'Be The Match' registry. Which helps match people with bone marrow so that they can be cancer free! The real walk is this weekend, but they set up one in the hospital so that all of the patients can walk too. That was really nice and fun as I got to walk quite a bit and talk to quite a few people.
Another thing that helps me through my day is a shower. My friends joke about it, but I LOVE it: I have a shower chair. But not just any chair- a cushioned chair with a back! Oh, It feels so amazing being able to sit there and have the water hit me and I feel clean and fresh. So I usually will shower for almost 45-30 minutes! And I play some nice music to and all the nurses say they like my music and ask me to keep it on since theyre not allowed to listen to music. It makes me feel pretty important lol!
Maybe I can get myself a nice spa day once I am out of here and just really relax. Thats a good thought to get me through this lol! Or all of the taco bell I will get to eat as soon as my appetite comes back.
Thanks for reading!
I'll start with my hair.
You know, when I was diagnosed it was so not one of my concerns. I knew that people lost their hair because of chemo, and I wasn't too worried. I was excited to change up my hair with this opportunity and donate it to children with cancer. I really hope those 8.5" made someone as happy as my hair always made me.
On Sunday, April 2nd at about 8:30, I finally got the courage to shave it. At this point my hair was coming out every minute. Anywhere from a few strands to many many chunks. It became very annoying- I had hair everywhere and I just couldn't stand it. The nurses here have clippers, and my nurse at the time, Sam said that she would do it. She had used clippers before and I shouldn't be worried about that.
The whole thing was very emotional. Again, I knew my hair would come back and I knew this was so not the end of the world. But for so long I have had such long hair that I have loved and grown and always planned to get married with very long beautiful hair. There were just so many thoughts that made this hard. After she was finished, I asked my family to not let me look into the mirror until I was alone. I was going to take a shower and just take some time to myself.
That time was so important. I took my time and actually got used to myself a little. It still wasn't my ideal look but hey, everyone said my head wasn't weirdly shaped so thats a plus. I still struggle not having hair almost every day as I show new people and they see me like this. All I can think is that they're thinking about how sick I am. But the losing of my hair doesn't necessarily mean that I am very sick. It means I am getting better and that is how I try to see it.
Round 2 of Chemo
This round was a bit harder. I still think I handled chemo pretty well again. Not many issues at this moment still. Just little things that make you very uncomfortable throughout your time here. This chemo has made me just feel very blah. It could be something to do with my blood counts dropping as they are supposed to be doing to kill all of the leukemia cells in my body. This has an effect on you and makes you feel weak and tired.
I was welcomed into this treatment with acid reflux. I have a terrible fear of throwing up so any sort of discomfort in my stomach or throat really makes me nervous. So I have had a little bit of a hard time with this. The doctors are great and always have something to counter-act the scary side effects I may get. More good news: I finished the "last" bag of chemo yesterday night! This will be the last bag for a while, but not forever. We removed the bag as soon as it was done because I just couldn't stand looking at it anymore! I think with a little mind over matter, that has already made me feel better.
Food
I have been having a very hard time with food. With this last round of chemo, it has really affected my mouth and how things taste. It has also affected my appetite. I dread meal times right now. Food just doesn't taste good, and I just don't want any of it at all. I really need to force myself to eat something so that the Nutritionist does not come after me. She has threatened to give me a feeding tube if I do not eat properly. Now, eating is so not hard for me. I love eating. I just don't want anything. So this is a very big struggle for me right now, but I am hoping now that the round 2 of chemo is finished that I will be able to gain back my appetite, and my taste rather quickly. Now, even the ladies who bring up the food know that I don't have much appetite. I always kind of feel bad when I hand them back a tray with a good amount of food on it. I am able to receive certain cooked outside foods which my parents and I are going to try and do more of. Hospital food really isn't that good, and I don't think that is helping.
Now on to the worst...
I want to go home
I want to go home more than anything. These few extra weeks are giving me a hard time because it is very hard to see an end in sight. At this point (if it wasn't for chemo round two), I would have a little over a week left in here. At this moment I have a little closer to three weeks left. I can almost hardly imagine being here for so long. This is what I find myself being the most upset about and saying to myself the most. I think it almost puts me in a sort of depression. I get very upset, and I lay around on my phone and watch people have a good time in the outside world. I watch the nurses go home in the morning and at night and think about how they get to go outside and have hug their boyfriends and pet their animals. This makes me upset and I just don't feel like doing much. I do some homework, i watch some TV, and I try to take a walk around the floor. But I get really happy when I get to go outside. They unhook me from my fluids and antibiotics and i get in a wheel chair and a friend or family can take me outside. The weather has been pretty nice and I wouldn't even care if it rained on me. I could just sit there. I can't wait until I can leave here and go outside without a mask and just enjoy the breeze.
Now I know this has been sad-ish
but I know it will be getting better really soon
I am so happy in many other ways. I have so many wonderful people who have reached out to me and who have sent me amazing and thoughtful gifts to just make me feel so wonderful. I would never know that I had so much support and power behind me if it wasn't for this disease and for that I am thankful.
Today I was able to go downstairs and do a walk with the 'Be The Match' registry. Which helps match people with bone marrow so that they can be cancer free! The real walk is this weekend, but they set up one in the hospital so that all of the patients can walk too. That was really nice and fun as I got to walk quite a bit and talk to quite a few people.
Another thing that helps me through my day is a shower. My friends joke about it, but I LOVE it: I have a shower chair. But not just any chair- a cushioned chair with a back! Oh, It feels so amazing being able to sit there and have the water hit me and I feel clean and fresh. So I usually will shower for almost 45-30 minutes! And I play some nice music to and all the nurses say they like my music and ask me to keep it on since theyre not allowed to listen to music. It makes me feel pretty important lol!
Maybe I can get myself a nice spa day once I am out of here and just really relax. Thats a good thought to get me through this lol! Or all of the taco bell I will get to eat as soon as my appetite comes back.
Thanks for reading!
